Solace

posted in: Iraq War, Journal, Musings | 8
Futago Pond Log
Log suspended over the bank of Futago Pond, still covered in morning mist, Yatsugatake, Japan, 2001.

For the last few days I’ve been trying to write, but the words don’t come out. Too much on my mind, too many things I want to write about. And with this accumulation of words, each theme bleeds into the other until, in my mind, there is a numb ball of exasperation, feeling that all these words will dissipate into thin air, nothing to grasp between the fingers. Perhaps I’ve been reading too many ideas by others and spent too much time dwelling looking inward, at the map thrown across the dome of my thoughts. It is like gazing at a night sky, with a star field of ideas and emotions and knowledge suspended in ignorance and forgetfulness; there is always too much to learn and contemplate.

Earlier this evening I exchanged some enlightening and disturbing comments with Fujiko Suda on her post about Bush’s visit to Japan yesterday. Her thoughts made me deeply rethink my own tendency to “know it all” about what is right and wrong, and about how self-righteous my attitude is, condemning others for shaking up the world, while I feel that I remain innocent. She mentioned “hate” and at first I protested, saying that those involved with the antiwar movement do not protest out of hate, but fear, anger, and love of the world. Yet, when I even glimpse a picture of Bush my stomach turns over and I often react by grimacing and raising my fist at the image. I’ve denied it, but the truth is that, yes, I do hate. I hate very deeply.

I’ve fallen into the trap.

I need to get away from the screen, from bombardments of words, from rhetoric and discontent. I need to dive into my core and find that lake of stillness where I can shake the burrs loose. I’ve been walking lost among the thorns for so long that I concentrate on on the scratches and the pain they bring out, instead of standing still and reorienting myself. I need to let go, once again, of the gathering knot of anger and hate towards all that abstractness. I need to find what is real and concrete. What I can touch and use for my own health. The waters of solace and refuge.

The mountains can do that very well for me.

8 Responses

  1. Another words, you are living fully. Your love must be very deep, because you can hate very deeply. I had a glimpse into your dismay in these words, because it seems you wish for peace and tranquility, like Buddha looking into the pond of human world. But I think it is beautiful that you feel the spectrum of emotions as you live, because you are making the most out of the gift of life.

  2. Well, your are well on your way standing still and reorienting it seems, now you have realized this all. But yes, some days of walking in the mountains will bring you even more clarity. Hopefully you can go there again soon.
    I sure wish I could!

    (I like your new lay-out!)

  3. I’ll second the kudos on the new layout. Very nice! Certainly sets off the pictures you’ve posted recently.

    Listening to, or watching video of, Bush gives me hives. Were he not in a position of authority and power, he wouldn’t worry me any more than any other fundamentalist loonie.

    I think that when analysing one’s reaction to Bush, one has to also factor in the power he wields so thoughtlessly.

  4. Embrace your hate, just don’t let it embrace you…

    I think that you are correct in reflecting on this hate, as it seems to be effecting your peace. It is well and good to hate, but when it starts to change the way you see yourself, it is time to step back.
    It find that it is very easy to build up hate watching the news, that is one of the reasons I try to avoid the TV. I find that ignoring things in the newspaper is much easier. ;-)

  5. Like steve, I have to avoid the news also. It is easy to get wrapped up in the negativity. It makes me not like myself or anything else in the world. Instead I like to focus on nature and on my own projects.

  6. ps: agree with the comments on the layout. I usually don’t like black backgrounds but it does set off the photos nicely

  7. on my screen it’s more of a dark plum than black. screens do vary, though.

  8. Thanks for the recent comments about the site! Sorry I haven’t been replying… my internet connection suddenly went on vacation three days ago and I haven’t been able to post anything or even get or send any e-mail until now… The worrisome thing is just how much I rely on the computer and the internet. Without them I could barely function with my work, communication, or even one of my past times…

    Bill, the background is supposed to be, as Pericat said, something like dark plum. It can vary according to the computer screen, but also according to the browser. If you are using Internet Explorer or Netscape, I might recommend changing over to the free Firebird ( http://www.mozilla.org/products/firebird/ … my favorite after Safari, though it’s still in development) or Mozilla ( http://www.mozilla.org/ ). They support CSS better than Explorer or Netscape. I also use a Mac, and that might make a difference with the hues and tints, compared to Windows.

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