11 Apr 2007
Hi May and Dave and anyone else who is reading. I’m so sorry for my constant absences. I appreciate your coming back to check up on me, a lot. I want to write, but nothing seems to come out these days. The truth is I am not doing very well, and I don’t know how to turn this around. Not suicidal or anything like that, just… really, really lost. Alone almost all the time now, and I’m not good at being alone like this. The new job is not what I expected and I often find myself making my way along the road among the rice fields between my home and the university, dragging my feet and wanting to just sit out there watching the trees and birds, completely loathe to set foot on the campus. The town I live in is “desolate”, if that is the right word. I have managed to make a few new friends at the school, but you know how it is with people you don’t know well; you can’t share stuff like this. I’m trying to remain “positive” as people say, but it’s hard to know exactly what that means. If it means keeping a smile on my face for other people so they don’t feel uncomfortable, I’m great at that. If it means finding cheer and meaning in things that you find hard to see any positive points in, then I’m very confused and probably not the best company. All I know is that I want to get my life back in balance, to enjoy things again, to have rich time for myself, and to share time with someone I care about. I want to write regularly here again without always sounding as if it is the end of the world. And to be back in touch with all of you. And be able to look and see photos again. It’s all wobbly right now.